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Heartache

As I have told you before, I ain’t too bright… but, I am a quick study in behavior and etiquette. The VHF radio is the primary means of communications to both the “yachtee,” and also the locals who rely on a cheap, low power, easy-to-use, form of communication. In Xcalak, the radio is, for all practical purposes, the telephone. But… its public. Imagine, if all your telephone and cell phone calls could be eavesdropped upon. Miles away, twenty or thirty people, or many more, could be following your conversation, and hear everything you are saying. Would you still speak freely?

When you give your buddy boat GPS waypoints, over the airwaves, and tell them you found a perfect secluded beach, you can count on a dozen other boats to come running in and crowd up the anchorage. So, I learned quickly, to just say over the radio… “I’m in Central Belize.” When you meet-up with your buddy boat, you develop a ‘code‘ of sorts to describe where you are, and where you are going.

I finally pulled up the hook from Cay Caulker. It was hard to leave. It’s similar to Isla Mujeres, Mexico (all over again,) but, concentrated down to about 1/10th the size. The people are simply, intensely, wonderful. Alas, we set sail for points south.

Elizabeth and I found four beautiful, uninhabited islands, with sandy beaches to walk, in a week. SOEL was the only boat in sight. Don’t get me wrong, there are probably two hundred little cays (keys) in the Belize area, but, they are either mangrove islets, or swamp, or just a pile of shifting rubble that is impossible to walk on barefoot. If they looked like they had any potential at all… some rich American already bought them up, hired a contractor to build something on it, then hired a caretaker to keep an eye on it. Then, he sits under the fluorescent lighting of an air conditioned office, on the 19th floor of some sterile glass building in California, bragging about the private island he owns. “Yaaa… He come down once, last year…“ the caretaker will tell you. I don’t care who pays a mortgage on it, I’m the one here now, walking around, soaking it up. I own this beach today!

One particular island had a mooring ball set in 45 feet of water, and you could easily see small rocks on the bottom! The boat looked as if it was levitating. Elizabeth and I took turns diving from the deck of SOEL down deep into the swimming pool clear lagoon. It was like a dream come true. Refreshing clear water. Soft, warm, sandy beach. No tourists. We didn’t want to ever leave. Two spotted rays shadowed Elizabeth while she swam from SOEL to the beach. I was wishing Sarah could be here snorkeling with us, when we spotted a frightened hawksbill turtle sitting still on the reef. He was camouflaged well, but I saw him watching us.

Another chunk of rocks we discovered sported a lovely beach, and a beautiful, clean patch of sand, under Gin clear, waist deep water. Of course, we HAD to swim in that clear, shallow spot, and, I HAD to take some more pictures. Later in the afternoon, while Elizabeth was whippin’up something for dinner, and I decided to go for a walk on the ‘lovely beach‘. As I idled the dinghy, as quietly as possible, toward the shore, a pelican splashed into the shallows for a snack. The sun was behind me, and I could see a school of bonefish cruising the line between the grass and sand. “Cheep, cheep, cheeeereek,” an annoyed Osprey flew home over the coconut palms with a fish in her talons. Yep, it was just another day in paradise.

These tiny islands, propped up on the edge of the reef, do not offer a sailboat much protection from wind or waves. For me, trying to sleep here while the boat is rolling side-to-side is almost impossible. As I type, a plastic cup in the cubby “clinks” on every starboard roll, and something in the aft cabin does a “tap, ta, t” with every port side roll, and the wires in the mast “clank” with every roll, and you can only sleep on your back, or your stomach, because if you try to lay on your side, the roll will pitch you over, onto your back, or front. So, these little pieces of paradise have their price… just like everything else. Elizabeth and I tolerate the rock and roll for one night, then we try to find a flat, more protected area the next night.

I met Michael while we were anchored at the ‘next-night-more-protected-area‘ of Bluefield Range. Michael is a young Belizean kid, not much older than my daughter. He was living there with his dad on a shrimp boat. Shrimp are not in season in March, and two shrimp boats were tied, stern-to, both swinging on one anchor, earnestly awaiting the first catch of the new season. He and his dad were in charge of maintenance, cleaning and painting, and keeping an eye on the two boats. But, being a young boy, he would rather fish, than repair nets. The problem was, he had no mode of transportation to get him off that big shrimp boat and out to the prime fishing grounds. I had a dinghy but no idea where any good fishing was to be had. We quickly made friends.

I let him use my brand new spear gun, and I swam (a safe distance away) with my Hawaiian Sling. You should have seen that big, dripping wet afro above and the beautiful white teeth beneath the dive mask when he swam up smiling with a fish on the end of the spear. We had three conch, two grouper, and one yellowtail snapper later when I brought him back. I dropped off our catch on the big shrimp boat with a bag of cold beers for his dad. Grinning from ear to ear, I made my way back to SOEL dreaming of the time Sarah and I would share a day like that.

Last summer, Sarah spent some time with us at my brother’s house in Panama City, Florida. We took turns, riding on the tube, pulled behind the ski boat, on our way out to the beach. After anchoring at Shell Island, we set up the Volleyball net on the beach, slurped cold watermelon and picked up sand dollars. Good times. Here in Belize, the hunt is on, not only for good sea shells, but for sea beans, or ‘hamburger beans‘ as they are also called. I’ve been told that these are a type of nut that falls off a tree in Africa then floats all the way across the Atlantic ocean to get washed up on the shores of lucky Eastern Caribbean islands. A few make it through El Caribe and wash up here on the Western Caribbean. Fewer still make the Yucatan coast. I’ve never found them on any beaches in the US, but I’ve been assured there are some there. These unique ‘seeds’ make great jewelry starters, and you often see cruiser women togged up with a necklace of beads, or shells, with a burger bean in the center. I couldn’t help but fantasize that, after Sarah knew what to look for, and where to look, she would be eagerly searching for and excitedly picking-up her own sea beans. Then, later in the evening, I could drill holes in them, and she would string together her own fashion piece, with a tropical flair. My daydream leapfrogged to include: Sarah getting back to school in the fall, wearing the necklace, and telling her friends the story of the sea bean, and how she found them herself and made her own showpiece. “Yeah, my Dad and I found these on the beaches of the Caribbean.” she would casually say.

Elizabeth and I don’t have a set itinerary. We don’t really have a plan. For months now, whenever someone would ask, “Where you guys goin’ next?” I would cheerfully tell them of my open-ended schedule with the beautiful conclusion of “gotta be in the states in May.” Then announce, smiling, “Spending the summer with my daughter.” Technically, I am unemployed at the moment. I could actually be there free from the constraints of a job. The only definite in my schedule was that stop in Florida to pick-up Sarah for a month of fun in the sun, beaches and boats, Syd and Sarah in airbrushed T-shirts, babies and Bar-B-Q at Michael and Emily’s.

Eventually, we ran short on eggs, bread, and fresh fruit, and we had to get back to the mainland. Plancencia, Belize was the next planned stop. A Moorings Charter Boat Base is located there. Cruisers can find three fair grocery stores, two big hardware stores, beer, fuel, propane, water, ice, internet connections, cell phone coverage, and just about anything he needs around these parts. Transportation to fly guests in and out is easy and there is a nice, but sometimes crowded beach.

Instead of the beach, we stopped at the first internet café we sighted. I opened an e-mail from Sarah’s mom informing me that, not only would Sarah not be flying down to Belize on spring break but her summer was also booked with a Disney trip, Vacation Bible School, and Volleyball camps. Sorry Charley.

Ouch.

I was hanging a great deal of hope on Sarah traveling with my friends Mark and Cindy, to spend a week with me here in Belize. Before we left Texas, I made sure to get Sarah a passport, just in case an opportunity like this would present itself. Imagine spending spring break swimming with spotted eagle rays, turtles, schools of tropical fish, and experiencing just a tiny part of what the big wide world contains. I mean… it’s like watching one of those IMAX movies… but it’s real time! Real life! You are in it! The purple fan coral, and the bright yellow fish, and… and…

Aww, it didn’t matter now. Now, I didn’t have that beautiful conclusion. I had no reason to go back. I saved the e-mail, and charted a course to find more uninhabited islands.

We found some. Crystal clear water, beaches with no footprints, and coconut palms that lean out over the water, rustling in the breeze. But, it didn’t matter. Sitting on one of those bending palm trees I thought: “This may be my idea of ecstasy, but my young daughter has her own ideas.” She would rather stay at home and stare at a television screen? The drastic change of plans occupied my thoughts and prevented me from fully enjoying my temporary heaven. I had reached that difficult point in parenthood when you feel like your offspring has forgotten you, and it was clouding my view of this pristine paradise.

I prefer to employ the ‘lead by example‘ technique in the education of my daughter. I consider myself a success in everything I do. I’ve run my own business. I have held down a job in a cube. I have raced bicycles. I have owned real estate. I used to eat healthy and work out at the gym. Now, I could happily eat cheeseburgers and drink beer every day. And I’m endlessly proud to admit I’ve never seen the movie Grease. Money in the bank, a big house, and shiny cars, pale in comparison to my price of Cruising. Elizabeth and I rarely meet another married couple out here our age. Do you know any 40-year-olds that can even began to consider retirement? Neither can I. The high price we pay to be out sailing may not necessarily be monetary, but it is considerable. The lack of time with family is just one case in point. It is substantial enough to make us both continually ask: “Is this still worth it?” My little brother’s twins are already walking/running! I haven’t seen them since the New Years holiday. I can’t hug Sarah after that game where she scores the winning point, ’cause I’m 1,000 miles away in a foreign country. That’s my price. When it ceases to be enjoyable, I’ll move on to the next chapter… whatever that may be.

I want my daughter to view me as an example and enjoy the same freedoms I have. Of course, she wants to do it all… just like her father… and I hope I’m rather responsible for that feeling. That ‘the Sky is the Limit‘ feeling. She believes she can go to the beach in Florida, Thursday, and still play a Volleyball game in Texas, Saturday morning - 700 miles distant. And she can! But there’s a cost that has to be paid. She wants to spend a week in one place, another week somewhere else, but she doesn’t consider sitting in a car for 12 hours in between.

I also wish for Sarah to do whatever SHE wants to do. If that means spending time with friends, instead of with her father, I want her to feel free enough - guilt free enough - to do just that. When she wants to make cinnamon rolls, I’ll help make the dough. I want her to be a strong person that is able to make tough decisions, and then, live with the results of those decisions. However, I don’t think she is mature enough yet, to realize the consequences of all her actions. Her concept of time still requires further development. I believe she still needs some good boundaries and still needs to do things she may not exactly be happy about. Before long, the summer will be all spent, it’s back to school time, and she may be sad about the price of missing time with her “other” family.

Example: Vegetables. If you ask a toddler what they want for dinner, they will always answer “Ice Cream!” I believe the parent should be accountable for teaching the value of a balanced diet. Maybe I have to be that responsible parent.

Sarah’s Mother allowed her to chose her own summer schedule. I’m not surprised I didn’t make the cut, despite the fact that Sarah consistently enjoys herself, immensely, and has a great experience every time she visits her Dad’s side of the family. My child is growing… and now she is beginning to display her independence, make her own decisions, her own choices in life. Just what I have always wished for her.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

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